My family takes an annual beach vacation every August in a town about an hour from my home but a 10-hour drive for my parents and my sister's family. Since my parents are getting older, they are less eager to make that drive themselves. We thought we had a solution this year because my brother-in-law planned to rent a minivan for the drive. My parents could go with them and their two kids.
The problem is my brother-in-law's idea of a road trip is very different than my parents', and he is really inflexible about it. My parents like to make the trip over two days, stopping for meals and the occasional attraction or antique shop. This is basically how my family handled road trips my entire life. My brother-in-law, on the other hand, wants to be "on the road" by 7:00 AM so they can arrive that same night for dinner. Lunch is sandwiches packed in cooler. Stops are for gas and bathrooms. When my parents balked at this intense schedule, he agreed to wait until 8:00 AM to pick them up -- my parents don't want to leave until 10:00 AM or later -- but he wants to get their luggage the night before! Everything is rush, rush, rush.
Unfortunately, my sister is siding with her husband over our parents. She says staying in a motel is "a hassle" with kids and they don't want to "waste" their vacation on the road. My parents have offered compromises such as quicker meal stops at McDonald's or leaving the night before and going a few hours before stopping for the night. But those ideas are rejected. My sister says since they're paying for the van and doing the driving, they get to set the schedule. I'm incredibly mad at my sister and brother-in-law but not sure what to do about this. Any ideas?
So I'll be honest up front that I'm very similar to your sister and BIL when it comes to road trips. I'm totally the kind of guy who will pack up the car the night before, be on the road by 4:00 a.m. to avoid traffic, and only stop for restroom breaks and fast-food drive-thru restaurants. I know people say that "the beauty is in the journey, not the destination," and that may be the case in other aspects of life, but not on a 10-hour road trip with young children.
And that's where I think there's a disconnect here. From your letter, it sounds like your parents like to travel in a more leisurely fashion that's fine for adults, but that is in fact "a hassle" when it comes to most kids, especially younger ones. Your BIL might seem like a taskmaster to you, and maybe he is a bit intense, but he and your sister are also likely just being realistic about what a road trip with children involves.
To be frank, this joint journey doesn't seem like a good match to me. Ten hours is a long distance -- is a flight for your folks out of the question? Is there a train? Something like that might be worth considering if it's financially and physically feasible for them. If they definitely cannot drive themselves safely and do need to ride with your BIL, be sure that their health needs (more bathroom breaks, etc.) are being taken into account. But beyond that, if your sister and BIL are the ones paying for the van and doing all of the driving, they should call all of the shots regarding the driving schedule. Hopefully you can push aside the hard feelings once you all arrive at your destination.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
In a recent confrontation with my mother-in-law, it came out that when my husband was a child, his parents occasionally left him in the care of a paternal relative that they knew had molested another child. My MIL doesn't deny it, but she justifies it by saying that she didn't feel she could make waves in my father-in-law's family (and because the victim was a girl, my husband was safe). She finished off her excuses by demanding that my husband "not be too hard on her."
This came on the heels of some behavior with my own children (ages 6, 4, and 2) that has been making me very uncomfortable. While on walks in the neighborhood, she will pop inside a neighbor's home that I don't know. If we send them with her to the library, she will make a stop somewhere else, and I only learn about it through my 6-year-old. These little detours would generally be fine with me, but she never asks, and she gets very cagey about volunteering information about where they went afterward. This has happened multiple times, and each time we have reminded her to please let us know she is going somewhere else, but it's starting to not seem like forgetfulness.
The one thing my MIL has asked about is if she could bring the children to meet my husband's cousin -- someone we do not spend time around at all due to untreated mental illness, drug abuse, and abuse of his ex-wife -- without my husband and me present. I don't think my MIL is dangerous herself, but I think that for some reason she is very willing to have dangerous people around her and her children/grandchildren, and I do not trust her to protect them. We have quietly stopped asking her to babysit, which means that my husband and I are never able to leave the house together.
We are considering allowing her to babysit again on a very limited basis after expressing these concerns to her: once or twice a month, only for a couple hours at a time, only in our home, no one comes over. And if these rules are ever bent, no more babysitting. But I vacillate between wondering if this is too much (am I a helicopter parent who needs to know and control exactly what her children are doing at all times?) or too little (how can I leave my children with someone who has such poor judgment and likes to push boundaries?). Am I deluding myself so my husband and I can go on a date without paying $50+ that we can't afford in childcare?
No, you aren't being a helicopter parent -- at least not regarding this issue. I think most parents would feel uncomfortable with what you laid out here. Your MIL may not be dangerous herself, but she's allowing potentially dangerous behavior to occur under her watch, and that's a big problem. There's no way in the world I would allow my children to spend time in the home of an abusive person with or without me being present.
I think the solution is relatively simple -- you'll have to find a new babysitter. Yes, I understand that money is tight, but I promise you that the cost of having something bad happen to your children is way more expensive than whatever you'll pony up in childcare expenses. Regarding your "too much or too little" question, I am firmly on the side of "how could you leave your children with someone who has such poor judgment and likes to push boundaries?" It's clear to me that you'll never feel at peace with your MIL as a babysitter, so I think you should just skip the conversation/probation approach and start looking for new alternatives now.
Of course, that doesn't mean you need to cut her out of your kids' lives altogether, but solo babysitting should be off the table. Her sample size of questionable behavior is just too large.
My husband's family is obsessed with weight and body size. Every time we see them, there's at least some talk about diets, weight gain or loss, how much sugar in is ketchup, exercise programs for weight loss, etc. I try to change the subject to something else when possible. As a result, my husband has extremely negative body image and issues with disordered eating. He is in therapy, and I've mostly succeeded in getting him to not say negative things about his body around our children. Since hitting my 30s, my size has fluctuated between average and chubby. Like a lot of women, I don't love my body's appearance, but I don't obsess and I certainly don't talk about it around kids. I've always loved to exercise. When I talk about exercise with my kids, I talk about how it's fun, makes me feel good, makes me stronger, or helps me be able to do more of the stuff I want to do. By contrast, my in-laws only talk about exercise regarding weight and how it makes you look. It's something you need to do to "earn" a holiday meal or a treat like ice cream.
My husband grew up marinating in their unhealthy views, and it's caused him so much unhappiness. My kids will be around it much less -- we see my husband's family about 3-to-7 times a month -- but I still worry that hearing this stuff from their own family will harm them. Should I ask my in-laws to stop with the way they talk about exercise, and maybe also weight more generally? If so, how? My FIL and MIL are difficult people in many ways, so I do have to choose my battles with them. Is this a battle worth choosing?
Yes, this is a battle worth choosing and yes, you should tell your in-laws to knock off the toxic weight/diet talk. In doing so, you should be extremely firm with them. Assuming your husband is ok with you sharing a bit of his personal experience (and I do think he should be willing to back you up on this, given the stakes), you can say something along the lines of, "I know you mean well, but the way you talk about diet and exercise is really damaging. If you don't believe me, just ask your son about the damage it's caused him. There is absolutely no way that I'm going to allow my kids to experience the same thing, so I am demanding that you stop it immediately. If you don't listen to me, then we will have to limit your contact with the kids."
Yes, that is extremely harsh, but they need to know how serious this is. You call the shots when it comes to your kids, and you need to teach everyone how they will act around them. When you discuss this with your in-laws, I highly recommend that you and your husband are there together so they'll understand that you're on a unified front.
Hopefully this will be all it takes for them to see the light, but if not, you need to follow through on your threat to send the message. You shouldn't allow this type of behavior anywhere near your children.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My mom hates my new husband after we eloped, and our relationship is barely hanging on a thread as it is. But I'm worried what will happen when we decide to name my baby boy after my husband. I love the name, but I also love my mom to death and want to start repairing my relationship with her. What would you recommend doing?
I know there's a lot more to this story than what you laid out here. Why is your relationship with your mom so damaged? Why does she hate your new husband? Is it only because you eloped, or something else?
Regardless, I have a feeling that your problems with your mom started long before your husband entered the picture. If that's the case, can you ask for a reconciliation? I've always believed that the only unconditional love that exists between humans is a parent's love for their children, so I have a feeling she would come around eventually. You can suggest joint therapy sessions, a standing weekly dinner date, daily 15-minute phone calls, etc., but it sounds like you'll have to be the one to take the lead on this.
That said, as far as naming your son after your husband, your mom's feelings shouldn't have any bearing on that decision. I know I make a lot of jokes about pushy grandparents and in-laws in this column, but I want to be very clear to anyone who is reading this: No one outside of you and your partner should have any influence in terms of anything that happens with your children -- especially involving something as important as a child's name.
Repairing your relationship with your mom is a fine goal, but you also need to hold on to your own boundaries in the process.
-- Doyin
I am mom to a 7-month-old. We live in a pretty conservative area, and I work in a male-dominated industry. In fact, all of my co-workers are men who have or had stay-at-home wives. When I was pregnant, several of my co-workers did not expect me to come back to work. Though I told them we planned on using day care, I guess they assumed some maternal instinct would come over me and I'd quit. They said terrible things to me, like how they'd be worried day care would let their child cry all day. I need a script for when people express their condolences about our child care...