There is no good way to consume Election Night information anymore.

The New York Times is once again poking readers' eyes with its needle. A little digital gauge, like the one that might indicate that your boiler or nuclear-power plant is about to explode, "estimates the outcome of the race in real time based on polling data," as the Times puts it. As we write this, the needle is piercing the red "Likely" side of the gauge, indicating that the decision is "Likely Trump." To validate this qualitative assessment, the needle also clarifies, again in the moment we're writing this, that Donald Trump has an 88 percent chance of victory. That's good to know, or bad, depending on your preferences.

The Times is not alone in offering minute-to-minute assessments, of course. On television, news anchors talk endlessly about anything, or nothing, reporting live from Nevada or North Carolina. At CNN.com, the network's familiar election map offers live results too, in an interface now so confusing that one of us couldn't figure out how to back out of Georgia's results after zooming in. The whole affair is meant to provide updates on a result entirely out of our control. At some point, probably not tonight and maybe not tomorrow, we will know who won the presidential race -- and all of the other federal and state contests and ballot initiatives and the like too.

There is no good way to consume Election Night information anymore, if there ever was. Cable news is the loud, exhausting, touch-screen-assisted option for those who're looking for the dopamine of an inoffensive Key-Race Alert. Social media is the best option if you'd like all of that, but updated each second, with commentary from Nazis and people who have placed big crypto bets on the outcome. Wrangling the data coming out of more than 100,000 precincts in fits and starts, across a country that spans six time zones and upwards of 161 million registered voters, is a glorious feat. The process is not, however, conducive to the human need to actually know things. In a way, the needle is the ChatGPT aggregation of the output of toxic sludge and useful information coming out of all of it. It is the supposed signal in the noise. But it may just be noise itself ... until it isn't.

For some time now, we've been chuckling at an ongoing joke on X about "building dashboards to give executives deeper insight into critical business functions." (At least, we think they are jokes.) What would you do if a giant kaiju attacked the city? Make sure the dashboards are providing actionable insights into critical business functions. What do you do in your 30s? Get married, start companies, or ... build dashboards to provide actionable insights. You get the picture.

The jokes are funny because they implicate a terrible everyday-life business thing called "business-intelligence dashboards." Big data, data science, data-driven decision making, and a host of related biz buzz holds that you, me, him, them, everyone should collect as much data as possible about anything whatsoever, and then use those data to make decisions. But that's hard, so it should be made easy. Thus, the dashboards. As if a car's speedometer but scaled up to any level of complexity, a dashboard provides easy, quick, at-a-glance "insights" into the endless silos of data, making them "actionable." This is a contradiction -- thus the jokes.

So it is with the Times forecast needle (and the CNN map, and all the rest). Elections are ever more uncertain because they are always so close; because polling is fraught or broken; because disinformation, confusion, suppression, or God knows what else has made it impossible to have any sense of how these contests might turn out beforehand. The promise of synthesizing all of that uncertainty moments after a state's polls close, and transforming it into knowledge, is too tempting to ignore. So you tune in to the news. You refresh the needle.

But what you learn is nothing other than how to feel good or bad in the moment. That the needle has clearly caused many extremely online coastal elites to have some gentle form of PTSD is clearly a feature, not a bug. It is a reminder of the needle's power or, perhaps more accurately, its ability to move in such a way that it appears to usher in its own reality (when, really, it's just reflecting changes in a spreadsheet of information). The needle is manipulative.

Worst of all, nothing about it is "actionable," as the business-insights-dashboard fanatics would say. Dashboards promise a modicum of control. But what are you going to do, now that the polls are closed and you are in your pajamas? Cheer, or bite your nails, or attempt to lure your spouse away from the television or the needle, or eat cake or drink liquor or stare into space or high-five your buds or clean up after you ferret. There is nothing you can do. It's out of your hands, and no amount of data, polling, chief analysis, or anything else can change that. You know this, and yet you still stare.